I really wasn’t going to write this post, as I don’t want people to judge me or give me abuse. However, I have shared some of my mental health struggles with you all and I do want to be open about it, so here we go. If you are easily upset by such matters, then please don’t read this. I don’t want to trigger anyone else’s problems. This is just my story.
I HIT ROCK BOTTOM
Today is Sunday, and on Thursday night I almost died. I hit rock bottom and could see no way out of the problems I was having. I wrote a goodbye letter to Mick and opened a bottle of wine. For the next hour I continued to swallow morphine tablets mixed in with a few anti-depressants. I was serious. I wanted to die.
Sometimes people take overdoses as a cry for help but that wasn’t the case. I didn’t want any help. Instead, I just wanted the pain to end. Whilst it wasn’t necessarily planned, it had been running through my head more and more over the past couple of weeks.
Tears were streaming down my face as I wrote that letter to Mick. Putting into words how I felt was so hard and knowing that what I was doing would devastate the love of my life broke my heart. You might be reading this and be thinking that I am selfish. You’re right, I am. You see, I love Mick with all my heart and I don’t ever want to hurt him, but I knew that I would hurt him by doing this. That wasn’t enough to stop me. Perhaps that might show you just how low I had gotten.
I FELT LIKE I HAD THIS HUGE WEIGHT ON MY SHOULDERS
Now I’m not going to go into detail as to why I felt that suicide was my only option the other night, but money was a big factor. I’d hidden just how bad things had become and felt like I had this huge weight on my shoulders. That weight was crushing me. Money wasn’t the only issue, but it was the one that tipped me over the edge.
So it got to Thursday evening and I just didn’t know what to do. I felt like I couldn’t talk to anyone and that there really was no other option. With each pill that I swallowed, I cried that bit harder. At some point I must have posted an Insta Story – I couldn’t even tell you what I wrote. I was in such a bad frame of mind and was so disconnected from what was going on that things are a bit of a blank.
After I’d posted the Story, I felt very very tired and decided to have a little sleep. The plan had been to close my eyes for a few minutes and then carry on taking the tablets. As I slept some of my friends had seen my Stories and had started to become worried. They tried to call me but I wasn’t answering. They then contacted Mick who tried to call. When he couldn’t get through, he had to leave work and drive to mine.
Whilst Mick was on his way, I woke up. I saw all the missed calls and phoned him back, as I swallowed more tablets. I tried to stall Mick and tell him that there was nothing wrong, but in the end I admitted what I had done. He hung up the phone and called an ambulance. Once the paramedics arrived, they gave me something to reverse the effects of the morphine and then drove me to hospital.
I WAS STILL IN THE MINDSET THAT I WANTED TO DIE
Seeing the pain that I had caused Mick was devastating but I was still in the mindset that I wanted to die. At first I was angry that I had been stopped, but this quickly turned to shame. I cannot fault how well I was treated by the staff at the hospital. They didn’t make me feel ashamed and the level of care that I was given was second to none.
The majority of Thursday night and the early hours of Friday morning were spent with me throwing up. My heart rate was irregular and too fast but I had been so lucky. The level of morphine that I had taken should have killed me or caused serious organ damage, but it didn’t. Ok, so my pupils are tiny, I’m exhausted, nauseous and very wobbly, but I’m still here.
Thursday night was a massive wake up call for myself and my loved ones. I opened up about what had led me to do this and whilst we all now have to deal with these issues, we are doing it as a team. That burden that was slowly suffocating me has been lifted. I’m not alone in this.
At the hospital, I had a therapy session and it really helped. The therapist made me realise that I’ve gone through a lot in my life and have never dealt with any of it properly. Hopefully this will change. I am on the waiting list for CBT and I think I will also go for counselling when my CBT sessions have finished. This had shown me that I need to learn how to open up to people more and to not isolate myself as much.
I’M JUDGING MYSELF HARD
I have been communicating more over the last couple of days and it is helping. Now, I can feel relief that my friends stepped in and that it didn’t go any further. I do have people who love me and I do have a lot to live for. I’m far from proud of what I have done – in fact I feel embarrassed and ashamed of myself. However, I don’t need judgement from people. Believe me, I’m judging myself hard. I do need love and support and I have been overwhelmed by all of the lovely messages that I have received. Thankyou all so much.
There’s a long journey of recovery ahead of me and I know that it will be tough, but it’s a journey that I don’t have to take alone. I’m not sharing this with you all for sympathy. I don’t deserve a drop of sympathy, but I do hope that it helps someone. Please never feel like anything is that bad the you have to resort to trying to kill yourself. There’s nothing that can’t be dealt with. Do my Dad and Mick deserve to go through the pain of losing me over money? No they don’t. There is always someone to talk to and some way to get the help needed.
So if that’s the only thing you take from this, then that’s enough. Don’t shut yourself away and keep everything to yourself. There are more people who care about you than you will ever realise. Your mental health might be fragile, but you are stronger than you know.