One thing people often say to me is “Your mum would be so proud of you”. It’s a nice sentiment, but do you know what? It’s not true. My mum really wouldn’t have been proud of the person I’ve been this year. Let’s face it, I’ve been one hell of a bitch. I’ve found myself being drawn into endless Twitter spats, had some bitchy WhatsApp chats and overall, I’ve just not been a nice person. So, it’s time for me to say sorry.
Now I am a very blunt person – it’s the Northerner in me and sometimes I don’t always think before I speak. In all honesty, parts of that will probably never change. I do have a lot of opinions but I’m realising that I don’t always need to voice them. I’ve even found myself fighting other people’s battles and it’s pointless. Deep down I am a nice person believe it or not, but I’ve gotten lost this year.
Looking back, I’ve realised that this behaviour started at around the same time the depression started. It doesn’t take my psychology A level to tell me there’s a link there. Has my unhappiness been manifesting itself into me being a
bit lot of a dick online? I think so. I think I’ve been in such a dark place and haven’t known how to deal with it that I’ve taken it out on other people.
That is so wrong of me. Instead of being shady and mean, I should have just asked for help sooner. Just because I’m in my own personal hell, it doesn’t mean I should drag others down there with me. It’s not a nice feeling knowing that you’ve upset people and that’s not really me. Don’t get me wrong, I do have a bitchy side but I don’t think I’m a nasty person inside. An unhappy person? Yes.
I don’t have to agree with what other people are doing, but I also don’t need to let the world know either. Ok, so I do think promoting some dodgy apps isn’t the best thing in the world, but did I need to be a dick about it? No I didn’t. We can have different opinions to others but there’s ways of expressing those opinions that I need to learn.
Take this example if you will. I wrote such a nasty post about another blogger – I’ve since deleted it as there was just no need for it. The blogger in question was Lydia Millen and I’d really like to apologise to her. Does it affect my life at all if she has a personal photographer on press trips with her? Hell no – good for her if she’s at a level where someone works on her content with her. I didn’t feel good after I pressed Publish on that post and I sincerely regret ever writing it. The thing is, I like Lydia. Her Instagram is to die for and I do enjoy watching her vlogs. Did she deserve what I said about her? No she didn’t, so Lydia, I am sorry.
More recently I upset Grace Victory. Well I probably pissed her off more than upset her, but it was still wrong of me. I may not agree with the choice of topic she spoke about, nor particularly like who she chose to film with, but I could have just kept that to myself. We don’t need to agree with everything someone does, but we also don’t need to be mean about it. Whilst I am not sorry for my opinion, I am sorry that I expressed it in a nasty way.
It’s not just bigger bloggers that I’ve upset – oh no, I seem to have been on a one woman mission to offend half of the blogging community. I’m not going to lie, there are some bloggers who I really do not like and that’s fine. Show me one person who likes everyone. However, there are some girls who are probably lovely who I’ve had issues with. What’s the point? No-one wants a Twitter feed full of arguing and there are far bigger issues in the world.
I have mentioned before about the infamous WhatsApp chat, but I’d like to say sorry once again. It was really shitty of me to judge someone I don’t know and to bitch about them. So Ashleigh, I apologise to you. You didn’t deserve that at all.
In reality, there’s probably many many people I should say sorry to and I am working on it. My mental health is not good and I am working hard on overcoming it. I want to be a better person, the person I know I really am. Will I find myself in another Twitter spat someday? Probably, not gonna lie, but I’m trying my hardest to stay out of any drama.
Before you all think I’ve had a brain transplant, there are some things I’m not sorry for. I stand by my Dupes post and my NARS post – I am allowed to have my views. I am sorry for people who felt hurt by what I wrote, but I do believe in what I wrote.
I guess what I’m trying to say in this ramble, is that I know I’ve been horrible. So you have my word that I’m determined to change – to get back to my happy place and to stay out of trouble.